Stepping up stepping forward :)

im still alive. i got through this hell of a week. and yes i did cry a little. i pushed myself to my limits. i crossed really scary boundaries and survived...just so i could blog about it. yes im a wannabe blogger addict. i admit it openly. i get addicted to blogging for a few weeks and when something happens... i give up. but everyday i fall asleep thinking, i wish i could write about how i feel, and i wish others knew how i really feel too. but the funny thing is, only my select few facebook stalkers will ever view my feelings, only a select few people will hear why me, jennifer, is special. and they probably wont even relize that i am the only me they will ever read about. its a pretty sad thought that. the fact that every day we walk by like a bish-million people and dont even say hello. that we walk by unique, one of a kind, deluxe edition people that we may NEVER EVER see again and act as if weve seen it all, like we know all the stories they might have to tell and as if weve heard or experianced all the emotions that those people are going through. we WALK sometimes RUN right past them. its a state of self preservation i think. its like we embrace our own suffering and our own lives as if thats all there is so that we cant hurt ourselves more than we already do. we catch ourselves thinking, more than once a day, "why cant i..." or "if only i could..." or "if they only knew that i..." all questions of self preservation and self absorbtion. its really pathetic to be honest. and i say that on the level of 'im in the same sinking boat as you so im gonna complain about both our wet shoes all i want.'

because once again, and much to my utter disgust and dissapointment, ive found myself feeling those stinkin sinking empty emotions that i casted off with good ridance over a year ago. yep you know the ones. the feelings of 'not good enough' the feelings of 'nobody loves me everybody hates me might as well go eat worms' (10$ betting you just sang the song) emotions that trap us in the state of self preservation and self absorbtion. and keep us from our own BEAUTIFUL and UNIQUE adventures and also fog up our faith in our happily ever afters. which is so sad. because no matter what anyone says, i know each and every person, and i mean EVERYPERSON, even that old man sitting on the bench in front of walgreens, or that little girl screaming for candy behind you in walmart, that girl who is always sad at school or the boy who is a danger-addict who lives too far away...they ALL have such gorgeously, exquistitly, and indescribable futures if only they could see there potential. but as each of us are human, sadly enough, we each fall into our holes. we get dirty, we cry, and we feel,inflict, and sometimes live in pain that could so easily be removed if only we knew that someone believed in us, if only we knew that someone truly loved us and cared about us...and those bish-million people that we walk by could just be our ticket out of the hell of our lives. but guess what.im gonna turn the tables. as pathetic, as sad, and lonely and useless as we feel sometimes... WE, ME, YOU, I. ya us. we are also someones ticket straight to genuine smiles and good times. and that ticket is buy one for someone else and you get one free too. every person has hard times, every person has faults, and everyone has those things that make them smile, everyone has that song or that book or that painting or sport that set them FREE. we are all human. we are all here to grow. we are all in this at this time for a reason. we can reach out :) with our hands our smiles and our hearts. we can ignore our own pain. we can set ourselves 2nd. its ok. your still just as important, but this way you can make others happy and in the process find your own happiness.

shoot. haha i just had another 'eat your own words' moment...great. :) but i think i might just keep trying. even though this week was hard, and even though im not at my best, i have a feeling that i will be. im kinda feeling a little bit of motivation again. funny how blogging does that to me. it stirs up my favorite emotions that sometimes fall asleep inside of me.

so keep going. reach out. and really live. i know im gonna keep running forward and you can to. lets keep going. lets go all the way. lets go FOR THE DISTANCE. <3 because ME, I AM IN THIS .... FOR THE DISTANCE.